Everybody knows how to have a conversation, right? Most of us have been talking since our first couple years of life. We learn some grammar in grade school, and we may even know a second or third language. But when it comes to really effective communication, most of us don't get any lessons. We blunder along with the skills we learned from our parents and caregivers - or perhaps worse, popular culture.  Often it takes a life crisis, a broken relationship or some kind of disconnect that forces us to re-evaluate how we communicate. Empathetic listening is only one piece of the re-connect, healing and vitalizing of your interactions and closeness with people in your life. Empathetic listening creates an intimacy not possible with ‘normal’ conversation. You will be amazed at what you learn about the other person, and about yourself. What is also amazing is how the people in your life begin responding to you. When they get that you really want to hear them, that you are not about judging or giving advice, that what they say, think and feel matters to you, your relationships, and your life will change.

I’m going to give you some very practical directions and suggestions to empathetic listening, and you can start practicing right away. Most people will be happy to know that you are working on communication skills, and will be pleased to participate by having you listen to them. You may think that you already know how to be a good listener, but challenge yourself to use some of the following skills and techniques that may be new to you.  These suggestions may feel awkward and weird, and more difficult than you imagine. Try writing down some of the dos and don’ts on flash-cards, practice with people whenever you can; they don’t even have to know you are practicing.

When someone tells you that they need or want to share something with you, honour this by recognizing the sacredness of the interaction. Don’t under estimate the power of empathetic listening; this really is a divine appointment where transformation can occur.

Make the space ready by removing or turning off all distractions, such as TV, radio, cell phones (yours and theirs), things on the stove, the dog, cat or kids. Physically you should be on the same level as the person speaking, whether standing or sitting.  Be almost directly facing the speaker, but slightly to one side, keeping your body open and relaxed. Don’t slouch or lounge. Keep your legs uncrossed and lean your body in a little bit towards the speaker. Make eye-contact, and unless they are very disturbed or exceedingly animated, try to subtly match the speaker’s gestures, tone and intensity. Breathe deeply, and tell the other person about to speak that what they have to say is very important to you.  See the more detailed lists of what to do and what not to do later in this essay.

Your job will be to listen intently. Be patient and quiet and let the other person talk. And talk. And talk. And not talk; let there be silent spaces.  Many people are very, very uncomfortable with silent spaces. That’s ok; you can be uncomfortable, while learning this skill because a lot happens in the silence. Listen intently to what is NOT being said, as it is just as important. To be an empathetic listener, it is important that you don’t take anything the speaker says personally – don’t get defensive or judgmental. You may feel these emotions, but to be an empathetic listener, you must shelve them during this interchange. You should remain unemotional, just quietly nodding or responding with statements like “Hmmmm, I see”, or “Yes, I hear you”, or “Right”, “Uh huh”. These types of introjections are to let the speaker know that you are listening, but not interrupting. Let them talk.

To listen empathetically you will want to recognize, identify and validate the speaker’s thoughts, emotions and feelings. You can do this by asking questions like, “So, what you are thinking is…?”, or, “So, what you are feeling is….”  Check your perceptions with the other person, “Did I get that right?” Rephrase what you heard, in your own language, making educated guesses if you are not sure. Always make sure that you heard correctly, and if you are not sure, ask the person to repeat what they have said. You may need to ask the speaker to rephrase if you still aren’t sure about what you hear. Let them know how important it is to you to understand what they are saying.

When it is clear that the person speaking has stopped, ask open ended questions, like, “Is there more?”, “Do you have other feelings around this?”, “What else were you thinking?” Other helpful sentences may sound something like this, “So, I think I heard you say that.…”, “Did I miss anything?” “Is there more?”, “What you have to say is important to me.”, “You don’t have to speak right now.” “That makes sense.”  You are now reflecting, summarizing, synthesizing and supporting.

While you are listening, validating and reflecting to the other person, be checking in with yourself to see what is going on for you. Check in with your role and motive in the interaction. What are you thinking about? What’s going on for you emotionally? Physically what is going on for you? Are you feeling influenced or pressured or impulsive? Do you want to manipulate the speaker’s thoughts, feelings or actions?  Are you picking up non-verbal cues from the other person and are you being affected by them? Are you being genuine, authentic and honest? Are you choosing respectful language, leaving vulgarities, slang and sarcasm behind?  Entertaining these questions will help you to check your responsiveness, and improve your awareness, but the main focus is empathetic listening.

Now I have a really long list of Things Not To Do During Empathetic Listening; over 100. As mentioned before, you may want to write or print some of this list out to easily remind yourself before practicing. As with any learned skill, it will become second nature to be the listener you want to be. 

I will present this list in small groups, in alphabetic order. Watch for my next entry to learn about absolving, advising, analyzing, antagonizing and apologizing. 

There was a pair of twins, who, separated at birth, were raised in different families unaware of each other's existence. By chance (divine intervention), the twins were re-united after 30 years or so. Much to psychologist's delight, the twins presented a rare opportunity for insight by agreeing to participate in separate interviews.

 

The First Interview: Twin number one was asked a lot of questions about his habits and behaviours. The twin stated that he was a meticulous house keeper. "Everything needs to be in its place, and there is a place for everything. I have the clothes in my closet colour-coordinated and I am very fussy about the vacuum lines on the carpet being straight." The interviewers asked him, "Why do you think you are like this?" and the twin stated without hesitation, "This is how my mother taught me to keep house. Our house was immaculate always. This is what I learned."

 

The Second Interview: Twin number two was asked the same questions. The second twin stated that he was a meticulous housekeeper. "I have all the cans in my cupboard lined up, with labels facing front, and when I cut the lawn the lines are as straight as arrows. My house and belongings are always in order!" The interviewers asked this twin why he thought he was like this. He answered matter of factly, "My mother was a slob! Our house was always a disaster, I could never find anything. I swore I would never be like my mother".

The old man was sure that his wife was losing her hearing. He was frustrated that she refused to get her hearing checked, and scoffed at the idea of a hearing aid. The old man was getting quite worked up over it, and remembering and playing over all kinds of times when his wife would not listen to him - he felt he was usually right about most things. 

Wanting to prove his rightness around his wife's hearing loss, he decided to test her. One evening after supper, his wife was at her usual place at the kitchen with her green tea, reading on her iPad. Her back was to the living room. Her husband stood way back, from the adjoining room, and called out, "Honey, can you hear me?" His wife did not move, and did not answer.

He moved a little closer, "Honey, can you hear me now?" Again, there was no response from his wife. He moved right to the door of the kitchen, and called again, "Honey, can you hear me now?" No response. He was feeling quite vindicated, he would be able to prove to her that she was going deaf! He quietly snuck up right behind her, and whispered to the back of her head, "Honey, can you hear me now?"

His wife whirled around impatiently, and said "Yes! For the fourth time, yes!" 

A man's jealous wife was very ill. Before the woman died, she made her husband promise that he would remain ever faithful to her even after death. "If you betray me, I will come back to haunt you!"

The man kept his promise for one year. Then he met, fell in love, and proposed to another woman. On the very night of the engagement, the ghost of his former wife appeared. The spirit angrily berated her husband, and told him she would show up every night if he did not cancel the upcoming wedding. The grim spirit showed up night after night and mockingly told the poor man of every thing he and his fiancé had done during their day together. The ghost even knew what they had eaten and talked about. The man became afraid to go to bed. He was falling apart.

In despair, the fellow went to a Zen master for help. The master listened to the story very seriously. He said, "This is a very cunning ghost!" "Yes!" cried the man, "she knows everything I do, she watches me all day long, and taunts me with the details". The master replied, "I will tell you what to do to break the spell and let your jealous dead wife's spirit rest in peace."

That night when the ghost reappeared, the man followed the master's instructions. He told the ghost, "Cruel Spirit! You follow me around all day, and know everything I do. If you are so smart, then answer my one question. If you know the answer, I will remain a bereaved and lonely widower for the rest of my life." The ghost answered, "What is your question?" The man scooped up a handful of beans from a large bag on the floor. "Tell me exactly how many beans there are in my hand."

In that moment, the ghost disappeared and never returned.